


Mea Culpa

by Whatif_ifonly



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 08:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatif_ifonly/pseuds/Whatif_ifonly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Gwen Batten has a tough customer as she attempts to help Erin Strauss open herself up to the treatment process now that she's been admitted for her alcohol dependancy. Erin Straus is in denial; but perhaps when she runs into an old friend of Dr. Batten's in the lobby of the treatment facility it will open Erin's eyes. CCOAC Challenges from other Challenges submission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mea Culpa

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Section Chief Erin Straus looked up from the stacks of paper on her desk that she was diligently working to file away at the sound of a knock on her door. To her surprise, both Agents Hotchner and Morgan walked through the door and then Agent Morgan closed the door behind him.

She took a deep breath and focused on attempting to bluff her way through why she knew they were really there. "Do you have the after action report?" Agent Morgan had told her that he'd smelt liquor on her breath, so obfuscating was her only option at this point.

"No" Hotch replied softly.

"I need it on my desk by the morning." She replied as she lowered her head and returned to the paperwork on her desk.

"I'll give it to the director." Hotch replied.

"Pardon" she replied, startled as she looked back up at her subordinates.

Hotch took a deep breath. "It's time for you to admit that you need some help."

Strauss dropped her pen on the desk. "I don't take orders from you, Aaron."

"You put my team in jeopardy." Hotch replied, standing his ground.

"Is that what you told him Agent Morgan?" Strauss asked, in a louder tone to try and drown out the sound of desperation creeping into her voice.

Morgan stood silently blocking Strauss' only avenue of escape, her office door.

"You compromised the integrity of the unit." Hotch said as he tried to break through Strauss' defensiveness and get her to see she needed help.

"I DID NO SUCH THING" Strauss retorted.

"Open the drawer ma'am." Morgan replied, joining the conversation.

Strauss huffed and shook her head. "This is absurd."

Hotch moved towards her filing cabinet.

"Aaron, Aaron." Strauss said as she watched Hotch walk across her office. "What are you doing?"

Clinking came from the drawer of Strauss' credenza as all of the bottles of liquor stored there clanked together as Hotch opened the drawer.

Hotch turned to look at Strauss, waiting for her reaction.

"One call to the EAP and everything will be alright." Morgan said as he referred to the employee assistance plan.

"In what world will this be alright?" Strauss asked as she crossed her arms and sneered at Agent Morgan. She walked over to the credenza and slammed the drawer closed, causing the bottles to clink and clank. Fear and anger warred for dominance in her eyes as she looked up at Agent Hotchner. "You have no idea what this is going to do to me."

"Agent Morgan will make sure you get checked in privately," Hotch replied standing his ground as Strauss desperately tried to get him to back down, "and for that you should be grateful."

 

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"And how does it make you feel that it was an intervention by your subordinates that brought you here?" Dr. Batten asked as Erin Strauss finished telling her the story of the intervention that had brought her here in the first place.

Erin closed her eyes and sighed heavily before opening and meeting her psychiatrist's penetrating gaze. The woman could be one of her profilers for Christ sake. "Ashamed, humiliated, professionally destroyed, need I go on?"

Dr. Batten shook her head. "That's enough for now, but we will be coming back to re-examine those feelings over the coming months. I can't tell you how to feel, but I do hope that your feelings about having people who care enough to intervene will change."

Erin's eye's darted up from her clasped hands to meet the Doctor's gaze. She wished she could say that Agents Hotchner and Morgan had intervened because they cared. That would mean that someone still did. But Erin Strauss was no fool. There was no love lost between her Alpha team and herself. To be honest there was no love lost between herself and any of her subordinates.

"How are you settling in?" Dr. Batten asked.

"Fine." Erin replied, just wanting her appointment with the shrink to be over. You would think she'd have grown accustomed to seeing people dissected with a mere gaze working the BAU teams at the bureau; however it was completely different when you were the one being dissected and analyzed.

Dr. Batten sighed, wondering how she was going to crack the shell of Erin Strauss. In order for her to deal with her demons, the women needed to talk to someone… to realize that she didn't have to do this alone. Sadly in the weeks the women had been here, she'd been going through the motions of getting sober and working the program, but making little progress with dealing with what had led her to become an alcoholic in the first place. Until she faced that demon, Erin Straus would always be in danger of falling back off the wagon once she left here and was out in the world again. "Where are you at in the steps Erin?"

"Eight" Erin replied, not making eye contact with Dr. Batten.

Dr. Batten raised her eyebrows at this. She wasn't going to call Erin on it today, but she could be almost certain that Erin could not possibly be past step four. She doubted Erin had made a searching and fearless moral inventory of herself. If she had they'd probably be progressing here on dealing with the root cause of Erin's drinking. "So you're working on your list of all the people you've harmed so that you can make amends?"

"Yes" Erin replied abruptly.

'Why did it always need to be so difficult with some people?' Dr. Batten wondered as she contemplated her patient. "And how is the list coming?"

Erin snorted. "It's a rather long list."

Dr. Batten smiled and nodded. "They usually are." Then she glanced at her clock and noted that their time for today was up. "We're out of time for today, unless there anything else that you'd like to discuss?"

Erin shook her head, relieved that this appointment was over, for today.

Then Dr. Batten's phone rang. "Excuse me just a moment." She said looking at Erin as she picked up the phone.

"Dr. Batten, your friend is here to meet you for lunch." The receptionist said over the phone.

"Thank you; let her know I'll be out in a few minutes." Dr. Batten said into the phone. After hanging up the phone, Dr. Batten redirected her attention back to Erin. "Let's get together again on Thursday." Dr. Batten said as she wrote in her appointment book. Then she stood and walked Erin to the door.

Erin held her head high as she walked down the hallway from Dr. Batten's office as she headed back to her room. Then her eyes fell on Agent Jareau sitting in the lobby. "Agent Hotchner and Agent Morgan just couldn't wait to share the office gossip, I see." Erin sneered at Agent Jareau as she crossed her arms.

"Ma'am" JJ said jumping to her feet. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" Erin asked in confusion as she looked around her, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm meeting an old college friend for lunch." JJ replied in confusion. "Why are you here?"

Dr. Batten locked her office and headed for the lobby. It had been months since she'd seen her old friend. They'd played soccer together in college, which meant they'd practically been attached at the hip between practices, games, and travelling to and from games. In the years since college their lives had taken them in different directions, but they'd managed to stay in touch and catch up on each other lives by having lunch every once in a while.

Dr. Batten stopped in her tracks as she entered the lobby. "JJ, Erin, you know each other?"

"Agent Jareau," Erin said as she turned back to her subordinate, "you know my psychiatrist?"

"Gwen is your psychiatrist?" JJ asked as Strauss' mysterious leave of absence now fell into place. They were standing in the lobby of an inpatient treatment facility for addiction, that her friend Gwen happened to be a staff psychiatrist at, and Strauss had been evasive about why she was there. What puzzled her was Strauss' comments about Hotch and Morgan… unless they had known that she was getting help? They certainly hadn't mentioned anything to the team. JJ cleared her throat. "We work together. Erin Strauss is our Section Chief."

Gwen winced, having heard many a story from JJ over the years about how the Section Chief was making her and the rest of the teams' lives hell. "I think perhaps you both need a few minutes to talk and iron a few things out." Gwen replied as she led her friend and her patient out of the lobby to a more private area where they would be able to talk. "I have some paperwork to take care of at the front desk, so you can just come and find me when you're done here JJ."

"Thanks Gwen" JJ said nodding at her friend.

Gwen nodded. "Erin, I'll see you on Thursday."

Erin closed her eyes, accepting the harsh reality that her life outside these walls had somehow found its way inside and now someone beyond Agent Hotchner and Agent Morgan knew about her being in treatment. She hadn't even told her family… how could she possibly deal with another of her subordinates knowing her secret? "Yes Dr. Batten, Thursday."

Gwen nodded and turned on her heals and headed back to the front desk. Then she paused and looked over her shoulder at Erin. "Erin, since you're at step eight now, perhaps this is a perfect opportunity for you to start."

"Agent Jareau…."

"Ma'am….."

Both women attempted to speak at once. Then Erin paused and nodded at Agent Jareau.

JJ nodded. "Ma'am, I assure you Hotch and Morgan haven't said a word to anyone. Hotch told us that you'd taken a leave of absence for personal reasons. I really did just come to meet Gwen for lunch. You have my word that I certainly won't tell anyone… I won't even mention to Hotch or Morgan that I ran into you here."

Erin sighed in relief. "Thank you Agent Jareau."

"But if I'm being honest ma'am, there isn't any shame in getting help for a problem." JJ replied softly as she thought of Spence and the problem he'd had years ago and how he'd also tried to go it alone.

"What would you know about being here and needing help?" Erin sneered as her defensive hackles went up.

JJ's eyes widened. "I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to need help… but I know people who have and they never asked for it." JJ said her eyes tearing up slightly as she thought of Spence going through this alone… and of her sister who had needed help, but never asked for it.

"And what happened to them?" Erin sneered; sure that Agent Jareau was speaking about Agent Reid.

JJ shook her head. "They aren't my stories to tell, but I can tell you that yes sometimes things do turn out okay when you try to work through it on your own… but sometimes things also turn out horribly wrong when you don't ask for help." She replied as she allowed the sadness and grief of losing her sister that never completely went away to cross her face.

Erin stared, puzzled at Agent Jareau as she watched the emotion cross her face.

JJ tipped her head in contemplation, unsure how her next words would be taken. "I'm not sure what it was that led you here, but you can do this ma'am." JJ said softly.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Erin asked as she sank into a chair and covered her face with her hands as she attempted to hold herself together. She could really use a drink right now. "After everything I've put you and your team through over the years, why would you be nice to me now? It would be so easy for you and your team to use this to your advantage and be done with me once and for all."

JJ shook her head. "Not everyone plays power games to get ahead. Some people believe in being good and honest and caring and helping their fellow man. I think you do too; otherwise you wouldn't have joined the bureau. I think it's always best to believe the best of someone until they prove you wrong."

"And I haven't already proven you wrong several times over?" Erin asked in disbelief as she looked up at Agent Jareau.

"That depends. Were you…" JJ trailed off; unsure just what the addiction was that Erin was fighting.

"Alco… drinking…" Erin replied as she still couldn't find a way to say out loud that she was an alcoholic.

JJ nodded. "Were you drinking at the time you made the decisions that you made?"

Erin snorted. "I've been drinking for years…. Of course I was."

JJ's eyes widened at the brutal honesty that Strauss responded with. "Well then ma'am, I'd say that your decisions were influenced and we've never met the real you. So you couldn't possibly have proven me wrong about believing the best of you." she responded.

Erin looked up at Agent Jareau, struck low by the kindness of her subordinate. In that moment she was struck by just how cruel, how ruthless she'd been in her pursuit to climb the ladder at the FBI.

She'd seen all of the Agents that had ever reported to her as a tool, a means to an end to help her in reaching her goals. She'd never seen them as her responsibility to protect and lead. Perhaps that was why while she was reviled, men like Agent Hotchner had people that would follow them through fire and would die for them if it was necessary.

It was a difference in the view point of their leadership. In Agent Hotchner's view, a view she had always found to be weak, a leader worked for his team to serve them and make their lives easier. In her view, perhaps her old view… she'd need to do some thinking about the way she viewed the world now, the subordinates were just that subordinate, subservient, below, beneath, and meant to serve her and her purposes.

Now she was beginning to question that. 'When had she become so callous, hard and cold?' She wondered. Had it started when her heart had been crushed under the boot of one David Rossi twenty some odd years ago? Had it been when her marriage to Robert had turned cold and loveless? Had it been when she'd achieved her goals climbing the ladder at the bureau only to find that it didn't bring the sense of satisfaction she'd thought it would when she reached that next level? When had her life become so empty and meaningless that the only happiness she could find was in the bottom of a bottle?

Erin cleared her throat. "Agent Jareau, I owe you an apology several times over… I can't tell you all of the things I owe you apologies for…." Erin paused. "after all, I'm still working through all of this. But I would like to thank you for making me realize some things." She said, playing things close to her vest; after all she was still Section Chief Erin Strauss, whether she'd seen the light and errors of her ways or not. "I hope you'll accept this apology for now, but accept a more detailed one in the future as I work on making my amends?"

JJ's breath caught in her throat. "I… um, of course I accept ma'am."

"Good and thank you Agent Jareau." Erin said as she stood from her chair. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I have some work to do."

JJ turned and watched as Section Chief Strauss moved past her out of the room, headed where, she wasn't sure, but there was definitely purpose in the woman's step.

Dr. Gwen Batten watched in shock and awe as Erin Strauss moved across the lobby and up the stairs, headed toward her room she assumed. Her patient's demeanor was completely different. She moved with purpose and there was determination in her eyes. She'd been concerned about what a clash between her patient's life outside these walls and her treatment would cause. For some people it was a setback, although she supposed you couldn't be setback any further than being in denial like Erin Strauss had been.

Then Gwen smiled, of course if anyone could get through to her, it would be JJ. The woman was so disarming in her charm and grace. It was impossible not to like her. More often than not, she'd been the ear to listen to the troubles of her teammates back in college when they'd needed someone to talk to… it was shocking really that she hadn't become a psychiatrist herself with how skilled she was at helping people and the ease with which she could get them to open up. Then she smiled as JJ appeared in the doorway. Whatever had been said between JJ and Erin was of course between them; but she sure would have liked to have been a fly on the wall.

"Hey," JJ said with a grin on her face as she walked into the lobby. "Ready for lunch?"

Gwen laughed. "Yes, yes I am, and it's my treat today." She said as they headed out the doors of the treatment facility to grab lunch and catch up.

 

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Erin Strauss closed the door to her room behind her and sank into a chair as she thought over the last several years of her life. Tears came to her eyes as she thought of all the mistakes she'd made with her family, the pressures of the job, and everything that had piled on top of her until the weight of the world on her shoulders took its toll and a drink to unwind at the end of the day became two, two became three, and three became a bottle. Drinking at the end of the day, led to drinking over lunch, and drinking over lunch led to a drawer filled with clinking clanking bottles in her office.

She sobbed as she dropped to her knees, she might not have prayed in a long time, but the prayers that she'd memorized as a child came flooding back, in Latin no less.

"Confíteor Deo omnipoténti et vobis, fratres,  
quia peccávi nimis cogitatióne, verbo, ópere et omissióne:  
mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa.  
Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper Vírginem,  
omnes Angelos et Sanctos, et vos, fratres,  
oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum."

As she rose from her knees, she stepped over to the desk. She sat down and grabbed a pen and a note pad, prepared for the first time to do the honest and hard work of working her way through the 12 steps, of admitting she had a problem, and taking an inventory of herself, her life, and her actions. It was going to be a new year soon. She'd be damned if she'd let old ghosts tarnish another year. Getting sober and staying sober was her New Year's resolution.

 

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Because most of you don't speak Latin, the prayer Erin says is a prayer of confession and translated into English is:

I confess to almighty God  
and to you, my brothers and sisters,  
that I have greatly sinned,  
in my thoughts and in my words,  
in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,  
through my fault, through my fault,  
through my most grievous fault;  
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,  
all the Angels and Saints,  
and you, my brothers and sisters,  
to pray for me to the Lord our God.


End file.
